It starts with you

It started with you.

I will never forget how our love started – the moment I met you.

We honestly crossed paths at the right time; it’s what we said from the beginning.

Right now you’re somewhere in the world, and I am here struggling with losing you. I never wanted this to happen between us. It was never my intention to push you away from me.

I loved every part of you, your flaws, your kindness and your ability to love me whole-hardheartedly when I thought no one would.

I will walk this path, without you in my life. And it terrifies me to know you won’t be by my side. I took advantage of you and your love. My ego beclouded my very sense of reasoning. I choose to follow the negativity in my life, and I felt too angry to grasp the depth of pain you felt. You were struggling to make me understand, and I did not see it due to my selfishness.

What I thought was a painful see you soon turned in to goodbye and a loss that will take a lot to mend. I’m sorry for making you have so much doubt, sweetheart. I’m sorry for giving up on us.

I asked a lot of you thus I know where I went wrong – and one day I hope you can forgive me as right now I’m working on forgiving myself.

I may not have all of the answers, but I know one thing to be real. You are my soulmate. You made every inch of my soul happy.

Above all, one day I will see you again.

I’m going to miss you.

It started with you and ended with me.

 

 

Surprise!

I know what you’re thinking when you read this and that’s perfectly okay.

But there was always this little bit of me that was never going to walk away – despite the circumstances, I tried… for the most. And then there was always this big part of  me saying follow your heart. By now you should know that when I say I’m going to do something I will. I’m kind of impulsive, you know.  For each of you who have played your role in my life – I thank you for standing by me, for your positivity and compassion, from the beginning through to today.

So here I am; 20 something Sophie on my next leg of love… again. Only now I am traveling across the world to him.

For you, you may know it’s been 1 year and 6 months since I last saw him. For me, too long. For you, you won’t get why this is important to me and I certainly don’t expect you to try.

There are so many emotions I am going through right now – I’m blessed I have been given this second chance at seeing you. I’m not sure what will happen next. But there is no fear when faith exists.

Right now, and for the last couple of months; and for the first time in a long time I am letting go of my worries. I am moving forward. I’m not going to look back and continue wondering ‘what if’ or try and change something that has already happened. For me, if two hearts can’t forget each other after this long they were never meant to part in the first place. Well guess what. I am taking that leap of faith. Taking control of my life and moving forward with what I’ve prayed each day, hopefully – you by my side and after everything – I still love you as if it was only yesterday we said our goodbyes.

One way or another only time will tell, and I will cherish the new memories made from this day forward.

See you soon A.

Lingering souls in love

His lips are like sweet berries, and his cologne is as strong as midnight sex. His eyes are big and daring. I’m looking straight into his soul.
His body is firm. Olive skin, and perfectly fit. His hair is a deep brown; perfectly cut shaping his face. I let my hands sweep through his hair, slowly tracing the side of his cheeks. This man, is perfect I think to myself weary-eyed, so emotionally beautiful and nothing could ruin this moment, our moment. I take an instant photo, and the flash blinds my eye site. Smile I say, poking his ribs; he hates pictures.
His touch is soft and gentle, but yet strong and seductive. He is a man. My man. His breath is like a steaming hot bath as it brushes the side of my neck. Goosebumps cover my body. Snap again- he squirms for me to stop taking photos of him. I shake it for the print to show up. Perfect, I’m never getting rid of it. He smiles- grabs me and kisses me passionately. Sophie, stop taking photos of me. Again. I giggle, smile and trace our fingers together. I feel warm, yet it’s freezing in the room. He stops and looks me straight in the eye – a moment so heavenly than followed with uncontrollable laughter. I can’t help myself. I kiss him again, and then we lay there, our limb bodies nestled in one another; in sweet, blissful tranquility.

Love

It takes a lot of courage taking leaps of faith, but when you know it’s right- you do it.

I’m not sugar coating anything in my blogs – relationships are hard, anyone who said otherwise would be lying. I was in this delusional state of mind where I would start to over-think every little thing, question everything and let fear overcome my emotions. I let every single insecurity get to me, and I walked away from love because it got tough and every single day I look back and wonder what the heck was I thinking it’s not a stroll in the park and yes, it’s tough, but the results are worth it. Well, apparently not because I’m still dwelling on this man from over a year ago.

The thing is, I still love him, and I’m not going to settle for less than I deserve or less than I want.

By know, I think he realises how absurd I am because every so often I will be going well with my ‘moving on’ and then I relapse and the first person I go to is him. There are motives behind this and if this makes me crazy for following my heart then so be it.

Anyway, this man I speak of in my blogs I will call him A – originally I made this blog for him. Although, to never be seen or read. It was for me – a reflection of who I was, who I am and who I want to be. I, a single mother of a now Three-year-old fell in love with an American marine whom I met when he was on deployment in Australia. Our beautiful ‘see you soon’ was April 1st 2017 soon followed with a ‘goodbye’ May 8th 2018 – two very disheartening moments of my 20 something years.

The truth is, and it always is – it was a learning curve, and I learnt a lot about myself and the love I deserve.

We both have children and one parent to another – if you can fall in love with not only that person but the beautiful creation they made. It’s indeed a blessing and to have experienced love for me after years of a loveless relationship with my child’s father made me admire him even more.

We have spoken here and there, we’re okay, But, I broke his heart by walking away, it’s going to take patience and devotion to get to a good place again. But that is what makes our love so perfect, that after all this time. He still loves me, and that in itself is enough for me. I chased after what I wanted. I took that leap of faith and maybe, came across  perhaps a bit too full on at times. But I know it’s genuine.

My heart is whole again.

Darling

Only me.

One more try.

I’m wondering if you ever think of me?

It terrifies me knowing I still love you this much. I feel so vanruable.

I’m on a train in Melbourne on my way to University, first day.

I can hear people sniffling, it’s cold here. The door opening and closing as people leave and enter, all these people have a story just like you and I. I’m so god damn tired it’s 8:30am and I had a mere 5 hours sleep. The lady across from me has her eyes closed, I wonder that if like me she is also tired. I can smell aftershave and too strong scents of perfume. It makes me feel sick.

 

Too late to turn back now.

I haven’t contacted you for a couple months. I haven’t felt the need too. Does that mean I’m moving on? If that’s true why does everything seem so difficult.

I’m scared of love now. But still needing something to set me free. Are you free A? Are you going after what you want and would you be mad at me for going after what I want?

 

x

 

 

 

12

I read this article that apparently you only fall in love with Three people in your life time. Three people, well if that’s the case you’re my third and it dawns on me you’re my last, foremost.

I don’t want to find love again.

It’s been a year today, did you know?

I keep trying to rewind time back to when we first met. These memories have consumed me now and I’m forced to re – live each moment every day when I’m constantly reminded of your presence, every song on the radio has become our song. Each song breaks my heart all over again. And I’m made to turn the radio off. I still have your cams, I haven’t washed them and they smell like you, they hide in my closest for days where I really need you. So many tears are left.

I look to god, he has got me through each day. Faith is all I have left until I choke on the last remains of you.

I’m afraid I may never rid my self of this heartbreak.

It never ends.

Happy 12 months and what seems like a life time.

I miss you, still.

Dear you

 

 

It’s me… I suppose you are wondering why I am writing this to you and I hope you will stick this out with me and read until the end. I don’t know where it will end or if I will just go on and on, forgive me as you enter my roller coaster of emotions the past year. I figured I would write you a letter because for one I want to say so much to you, sometimes I feel that maybe what I must say is better left unsaid, but I know if I don’t say it now I will never be able to let go, and you too. I always feel myself coming back to you.

This is different. I have absolutely nothing to lose at this stage and I don’t expect you to reply, I hope you read it.  I am going to be nothing but honest, my true raw emotions and at the end I will probably wish I didn’t send this, it’s taken me so long to write it because each time I think what will it change, how will you take it, will you respond and truth be told I am scared for your response… nothing will change and I don’t expect it too. It’s been almost a year and I know what’s done is done. Do I wish it to be different, yes! Do I think of you every single day, yes! And does it scare the shit out of me to write this to you, yes yes yes!

Today, As I sit here writing this to you, you are thousands of miles away, a country away and it sucks. But this was never going to be easy, and staying away from you proves that. This is not getting any easier, I am truly struggling not having you apart of my life and I know that for the most I am to blame. I wish I could lie to you and say I’m okay, I wish I could let you heal and not speak to you and honestly this is so selfish of me and so unfair on you, but enough is enough I need you to know how I feel and however you take this is up to you.

I’m scared, of myself and who I have become. This self-healing thing is shit.
Honestly, I don’t know what I am doing. I have made changes to better myself but something is missing. I am stuck and I know you have felt the same way too, at times. I will never love anyone like you again, to be frank, I am not ready and I don’t want to try.. I have started dating as you are aware, but they all said, how can I love someone else when I love you, I’m trying, but I am not mentally ready and although it’s only been 2 months. It’s not you.

I took you for granted and I took our love for granted, what I had I no longer have and now I’m suffering the consequences every day. I can’t let go but right now I’m not sure if I want to let go because our love gave me hope that it was real, I know you know it was real. I wish happiness for you and myself too, and perhaps I will give myself a chance to fall in love again. But you will always be the one I let get away. You can only cry wolf so many times. Maybe it’s for the best, maybe not.
I’m Feeling all these emotions rush over me; it feels as if we’re breaking up all over again. It hurts, I want to see you one last time, or just hear your voice. I know you aren’t ready and I don’t want to ask such a thing. But, I miss you and I wish I could take it all back, I wouldn’t change anything, but I would kiss you a little longer, or hold you a minute longer, or maybe just let you know that I love you one too many times more. Saying goodbye to you on the 1st of April was so far, the hardest day I’ve had to deal with, and when the 1st of April came back around it felt so surreal, my heart sank… there are so many what ifs running in my mind but I would go through that experience once more just to see your face again.
We have shared so many fond memories, and bad but the good outweighs the bad and trust me, we had our bad like any couple, but we got through it and the memories I can’t bring myself to erase, photos, clothes… promises… promises that are now broken.  Nothing is perfect they say, but this were, we were.

You made me remember what love was, you helped me at a time where I couldn’t help myself and you made me trust again. There were so many tears from the both of us, happy tears because it was real, every second of loving you, was real, I am in awe of you and will be for a long time, You are the moon and I am the sun.

I’m truly sorry for walking away from you when you needed me the most, I lost myself and went back on everything I had once said. I am ashamed of myself.  Whilst I broke your heart, I broke mine trying to figure this all out. I lost myself in the last moments, I fucking lost myself and I didn’t put us first.
I know you have mixed emotions about everything still, you tried dating and maybe you are dating now. I don’t know, they say time is supposed to heal you right, I don’t know how I can fix this, I want to try.
I am going to hold on to that little bit of hope and that last bit of you, and I will wait for you.  I suppose for me, I need closure and seeing you would give me that. I don’t know how or where to go from here but it’s something that would help me and know if we still have a connection.

No one understands, others say just move on… let it be, sounds like a walk in the park. But it’s never the case, you are my soul mate. Even if we didn’t end up together, each little thing about our relationship proves that, and for that I am forever blessed and when I do think of you, although I am sad that it didn’t work out, I am happy to have called you mine. You were my family, I hope you think about what I have said and maybe one day, when you’re ready you may write back, maybe not.  I don’t know where to begin moving on and to be honest I don’t want to move on without you. I know I once made you happy, and I believe I can make you happy again, I would like to ask for a second chance, or maybe it’s too far gone, and I understand why but please find in your heart to forgive me for all that has been.

In exactly one month, it will be May 8th – Mate, a day one year ago that we ended possibly the best thing to have happened to us, non- the less I know for a fact we did cross paths at that bar, at the exact right time.

 

 

Yours,

Sophie

Dear you

I’m sorry.

 

But I need to go.

 

You are everywhere, your clothes, your photos, your laugh, your songs, your name. You won’t leave me alone and I need to move on.

I don’t know who I am anymore, I’ve lost every good thing about me and I feel so weak and sad.

I told my parents, I feel depressed. They laughed, do you know what it’s like to go through this alone. I feel every thing so deeply yet I have no control of who I am.

The moment you left, apart of me left too.

God has this path for us – and I’m praying – but I feel no different.

I just need closure, someway or another.

How can I move mountains by myself.

 

 

 

 

You are you

You are a constant reminder that life is too short.

A reminder that I will cherish for years to come

You are you, strong. I admire you for the battle scars and wars you’ve had to go through but your courage that is what makes you, you.

You are enough, never below, never above. A beautiful reminder to a loving soul.

You are reminder that the love we shared was a once in a life time love. Completely absorbing and a life that is not dark.

You, are my love, my soul mate but most of all a constant reminder that’s left to stay.

Close enough

Slowly but surly, I let my worries fly away.

I’m at peace.

Content enough

We have spoken, vaguely. you hate me.

I am numb but I want you to be happy, are you? does she make you happy?

I did it, just so you know. You would be proud I’m sure. It has been Eight months since I last saw you. but thinking about you has become just apart of my every day life.

Your country is beautiful, to say the least.

Funny to think – we had planned you, our kids and I to spend Christmas together here. funny how now it’s just me. Alone.

I don’t know why I think that’s funny, it’s not. Just sad.

I feel brave, I’m out of my comfort zone and I don’t know how I did it. But I did.

7pm; I am looking at my reflection in the window. I’m on my way to San Fransisco, so excited we’re off to a Halloween party tomorrow night.

Just wondering if you are in North Carolina like you said you where going or are you still in Japan? I have an urge to contact you and perhaps just take a flight to you and there’s so much more I want to say to you so many words left unsaid yet I feel it’s best I say nothing at all. you’ve barely said two words to me and the last time we spoke was when I first went home and I guess you don’t really care, anyway right?

I’m missing my son, it’s only been 4 weeks without him so far -2 more weeks to go and my heart aches for you because I know it’s been so long since you’ve seen your daughter and I’d like to know how you cope, but with out a doubt you are so strong-minded   I know you’re doing whatever it takes to have her in your arms.

If only you knew, just how badly I want to message you.

If only you knew, the amount of times I’ve wished you would respond.

 

 

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My heart breaks, unfolds and crumbles yet gently mends, softens and melts altogether with this song. I am broken yet whole, lost yet found, anxious yet at peace with myself in this strange but subtle moment of my life. Thank you God for this too shall pass

Six

I’ve sent you emails with no response, and I’m hoping you haven’t read them because I wish I could take the emails back.
I’m hopeless at this love thing.
But it’s been six months, and I need to move the hell on.
I keep telling people I’m fine – water under a bridge. But then there’s this sense that maybe I’m not. So I’ve come to the conclusion this has happened for a reason, right? I do believe in that. But hours later I’m looking at your Facebook and realise you’re already dating. Great. I’m really not okay.
You know that movie Good luck chuck? Well, I’m Chuck. I’m the girl you date before you find the girl you marry. I am not kidding you! Every one of my boyfriends is now married. If that’s not telling you something, I’m honestly not sure what to say. Anyway, here I am stalking away, I take a few screenshots and send to my girlfriends “He has already moved on, and it’s only been six months.”
“What a dick” they reply ” You can do better, she’s not even that pretty” god I think to my self, how petty have I become. And then it hits me. What the fuck am I doing?

I’m a 24-year-old single Mother, and I have never healed my broken heart right from my first heartbreak when I was just 18. It’s been six months. Yes six long, tedious months, I have every reason not to be okay. But will I ever move on? My minds going on all crazy benders, the what ifs, have I made the right choice, are you happy, the list goes on.
I guess I want you to be happy, but I wish your happiness were with me.
Anyway, I’m in this weird, uncomfortable stage where I can’t think straight, I’ve watched enough romance movies, and I’m scratching my head in my every choice in men. And I hate myself to dragging not only me now but my almost 3-year-old son through this bullshit again.
And of course he says your name, now you’re gone.

I’ve made a choice, yes a choice; more so a decision a very spontaneous what am I doing – who am I – why am I doing this – why – decision and in the midst of a cold winter night I have decided to take a trip overseas. To the US to be exact.

I know for sure you are not in California, but the feeling of being in the same country almost makes me feel at peace that doing something for myself will be good for me and maybe, just maybe I can finally let you go and let you be.

I suppose only time will tell right now because I have no plans.

letting_go_by_bandico-d5s1eyh

“Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can eventually let you go. ”

Where do broken hearts go?

As the sun sets, I’m sitting here, tears soaking my face. Will I ever see you again? It’s bittersweet how I’m feeling, and I wonder if I’ve made the right decision, my heart says no – my head says, you’ve got this Sophie count to Three, and as I begin to count to Three, it happens again, the feeling of heartbreak.

I’m asking myself when will the pain go away, I know though it won’t. Because it’s only just the beginning and as I write this I wonder, where do broken hearts go? Do they heal themselves and then we start over because I feel my heart has not been completely healed.. I’m thinking too much now.

One…

I feel numb.

Breath.

Two…

Calm, silence falls around me.

Three… Anxiety, something I can touch – clothes… there’s clothes on the ground. Something I can smell – a candle on my bench…

Breath

I’m dreaming of a better day, any day but this one please god and I’m struggling to understand all of this.

I’m struggling.

I still ask myself when will this pain go away. It’s only been two months.

Two months.

I’ve been through this before, every feeling. I’ve felt it. Only this time, it’s on me.

It. Doesn’t. Get. easier

I’m choosing to eliminate my feelings, and that’s okay. I have done it for a while now – pushed everyone away, including him The one person I said I wouldn’t push away.

My heart is broken.

 

 

Before

I love you because,

You found me, you actually did.

Somehow we were meant to be in the exact same place, at the same time. We were meant to meet that night. I’m forever grateful

We loved each other instantly. Before we had even began something, we made plans I invited you as my date; to meet my friends, we laughed, we knew.

You accept me. You love my flaws and let me be me when I’m with you. 

You show me you, you opened up to me and let me in your life, you let me in to see your fears, your dreams, your mistakes and I fell in love with every story you tell.

Your laugh. I love that I make you laugh, I love how we laugh together.

 Because when we argue it’s never escalates into something horrible, we both know we wouldn’t let it. 

And how you apologise if you’re wrong.

How we could be together all night and as soon as you leave I miss you like crazy.

Time is never enough with you.

I love the way you tell me I’m like no other you’ve experienced before.And I believe you, I believe it all.

I trust you with my life, i trust you with my son.

I know I’m safe with you.

And would protect me with your life.

I love how much you care, about your family and how you call Aaron and i your family.

I love the way you look at me and caress my face. The way your touch makes me nervous and your kiss gives me butterflies. I never want the moment to end. 

I love how we are a team, the power couple as you’ve said; you finish of my sentences and  know exactly what I’m thinking.

We balance each other out with our differences.

I love that when you’re with me, you’re completely absorbed in me.

How you call me out when I try to make you jealous or push boundaries.

How you say you’re fine for me to do something but I know really you aren’t and you don’t want to come across as ” that boyfriend ” as you say but I know you love me so much.

I love how you allow me to put my cold feet and hands on your body because you’re so warm you are my own personal blanket. I love that I keep finding where you’re ticklish and how you try so hard not to laugh.

I love the way we connect when we make love, the way you aren’t selfish and want to please me.

I love imagining our future together, you me, vivie and Aaron and more children.

The possibilities that are endless and nothing seems too difficult.

How when I act a little crazy you never say I’m annoying you.

I love the way you catch me watching you and I look away, put my hair behind my ear and smile like a school girl.

I love how we can be together and not speak but both know that this is right. 

I love that I met my soul mate who lives across the world.

Did I mention, I love you because you love me and I love you.