Love

It takes a lot of courage taking leaps of faith, but when you know it’s right- you do it.

I’m not sugar coating anything in my blogs – relationships are hard, anyone who said otherwise would be lying. I was in this delusional state of mind where I would start to over-think every little thing, question everything and let fear overcome my emotions. I let every single insecurity get to me, and I walked away from love because it got tough and every single day I look back and wonder what the heck was I thinking it’s not a stroll in the park and yes, it’s tough, but the results are worth it. Well, apparently not because I’m still dwelling on this man from over a year ago.

The thing is, I still love him, and I’m not going to settle for less than I deserve or less than I want.

By know, I think he realises how absurd I am because every so often I will be going well with my ‘moving on’ and then I relapse and the first person I go to is him. There are motives behind this and if this makes me crazy for following my heart then so be it.

Anyway, this man I speak of in my blogs I will call him A – originally I made this blog for him. Although, to never be seen or read. It was for me – a reflection of who I was, who I am and who I want to be. I, a single mother of a now Three-year-old fell in love with an American marine whom I met when he was on deployment in Australia. Our beautiful ‘see you soon’ was April 1st 2017 soon followed with a ‘goodbye’ May 8th 2018 – two very disheartening moments of my 20 something years.

The truth is, and it always is – it was a learning curve, and I learnt a lot about myself and the love I deserve.

We both have children and one parent to another – if you can fall in love with not only that person but the beautiful creation they made. It’s indeed a blessing and to have experienced love for me after years of a loveless relationship with my child’s father made me admire him even more.

We have spoken here and there, we’re okay, But, I broke his heart by walking away, it’s going to take patience and devotion to get to a good place again. But that is what makes our love so perfect, that after all this time. He still loves me, and that in itself is enough for me. I chased after what I wanted. I took that leap of faith and maybe, came across  perhaps a bit too full on at times. But I know it’s genuine.

My heart is whole again.

Dear you

 

 

It’s me… I suppose you are wondering why I am writing this to you and I hope you will stick this out with me and read until the end. I don’t know where it will end or if I will just go on and on, forgive me as you enter my roller coaster of emotions the past year. I figured I would write you a letter because for one I want to say so much to you, sometimes I feel that maybe what I must say is better left unsaid, but I know if I don’t say it now I will never be able to let go, and you too. I always feel myself coming back to you.

This is different. I have absolutely nothing to lose at this stage and I don’t expect you to reply, I hope you read it.  I am going to be nothing but honest, my true raw emotions and at the end I will probably wish I didn’t send this, it’s taken me so long to write it because each time I think what will it change, how will you take it, will you respond and truth be told I am scared for your response… nothing will change and I don’t expect it too. It’s been almost a year and I know what’s done is done. Do I wish it to be different, yes! Do I think of you every single day, yes! And does it scare the shit out of me to write this to you, yes yes yes!

Today, As I sit here writing this to you, you are thousands of miles away, a country away and it sucks. But this was never going to be easy, and staying away from you proves that. This is not getting any easier, I am truly struggling not having you apart of my life and I know that for the most I am to blame. I wish I could lie to you and say I’m okay, I wish I could let you heal and not speak to you and honestly this is so selfish of me and so unfair on you, but enough is enough I need you to know how I feel and however you take this is up to you.

I’m scared, of myself and who I have become. This self-healing thing is shit.
Honestly, I don’t know what I am doing. I have made changes to better myself but something is missing. I am stuck and I know you have felt the same way too, at times. I will never love anyone like you again, to be frank, I am not ready and I don’t want to try.. I have started dating as you are aware, but they all said, how can I love someone else when I love you, I’m trying, but I am not mentally ready and although it’s only been 2 months. It’s not you.

I took you for granted and I took our love for granted, what I had I no longer have and now I’m suffering the consequences every day. I can’t let go but right now I’m not sure if I want to let go because our love gave me hope that it was real, I know you know it was real. I wish happiness for you and myself too, and perhaps I will give myself a chance to fall in love again. But you will always be the one I let get away. You can only cry wolf so many times. Maybe it’s for the best, maybe not.
I’m Feeling all these emotions rush over me; it feels as if we’re breaking up all over again. It hurts, I want to see you one last time, or just hear your voice. I know you aren’t ready and I don’t want to ask such a thing. But, I miss you and I wish I could take it all back, I wouldn’t change anything, but I would kiss you a little longer, or hold you a minute longer, or maybe just let you know that I love you one too many times more. Saying goodbye to you on the 1st of April was so far, the hardest day I’ve had to deal with, and when the 1st of April came back around it felt so surreal, my heart sank… there are so many what ifs running in my mind but I would go through that experience once more just to see your face again.
We have shared so many fond memories, and bad but the good outweighs the bad and trust me, we had our bad like any couple, but we got through it and the memories I can’t bring myself to erase, photos, clothes… promises… promises that are now broken.  Nothing is perfect they say, but this were, we were.

You made me remember what love was, you helped me at a time where I couldn’t help myself and you made me trust again. There were so many tears from the both of us, happy tears because it was real, every second of loving you, was real, I am in awe of you and will be for a long time, You are the moon and I am the sun.

I’m truly sorry for walking away from you when you needed me the most, I lost myself and went back on everything I had once said. I am ashamed of myself.  Whilst I broke your heart, I broke mine trying to figure this all out. I lost myself in the last moments, I fucking lost myself and I didn’t put us first.
I know you have mixed emotions about everything still, you tried dating and maybe you are dating now. I don’t know, they say time is supposed to heal you right, I don’t know how I can fix this, I want to try.
I am going to hold on to that little bit of hope and that last bit of you, and I will wait for you.  I suppose for me, I need closure and seeing you would give me that. I don’t know how or where to go from here but it’s something that would help me and know if we still have a connection.

No one understands, others say just move on… let it be, sounds like a walk in the park. But it’s never the case, you are my soul mate. Even if we didn’t end up together, each little thing about our relationship proves that, and for that I am forever blessed and when I do think of you, although I am sad that it didn’t work out, I am happy to have called you mine. You were my family, I hope you think about what I have said and maybe one day, when you’re ready you may write back, maybe not.  I don’t know where to begin moving on and to be honest I don’t want to move on without you. I know I once made you happy, and I believe I can make you happy again, I would like to ask for a second chance, or maybe it’s too far gone, and I understand why but please find in your heart to forgive me for all that has been.

In exactly one month, it will be May 8th – Mate, a day one year ago that we ended possibly the best thing to have happened to us, non- the less I know for a fact we did cross paths at that bar, at the exact right time.

 

 

Yours,

Sophie

Dear you

I’m sorry.

 

But I need to go.

 

You are everywhere, your clothes, your photos, your laugh, your songs, your name. You won’t leave me alone and I need to move on.

I don’t know who I am anymore, I’ve lost every good thing about me and I feel so weak and sad.

I told my parents, I feel depressed. They laughed, do you know what it’s like to go through this alone. I feel every thing so deeply yet I have no control of who I am.

The moment you left, apart of me left too.

God has this path for us – and I’m praying – but I feel no different.

I just need closure, someway or another.

How can I move mountains by myself.

 

 

 

 

Close enough

Slowly but surly, I let my worries fly away.

I’m at peace.

Content enough

We have spoken, vaguely. you hate me.

I am numb but I want you to be happy, are you? does she make you happy?

I did it, just so you know. You would be proud I’m sure. It has been Eight months since I last saw you. but thinking about you has become just apart of my every day life.

Your country is beautiful, to say the least.

Funny to think – we had planned you, our kids and I to spend Christmas together here. funny how now it’s just me. Alone.

I don’t know why I think that’s funny, it’s not. Just sad.

I feel brave, I’m out of my comfort zone and I don’t know how I did it. But I did.

7pm; I am looking at my reflection in the window. I’m on my way to San Fransisco, so excited we’re off to a Halloween party tomorrow night.

Just wondering if you are in North Carolina like you said you where going or are you still in Japan? I have an urge to contact you and perhaps just take a flight to you and there’s so much more I want to say to you so many words left unsaid yet I feel it’s best I say nothing at all. you’ve barely said two words to me and the last time we spoke was when I first went home and I guess you don’t really care, anyway right?

I’m missing my son, it’s only been 4 weeks without him so far -2 more weeks to go and my heart aches for you because I know it’s been so long since you’ve seen your daughter and I’d like to know how you cope, but with out a doubt you are so strong-minded   I know you’re doing whatever it takes to have her in your arms.

If only you knew, just how badly I want to message you.

If only you knew, the amount of times I’ve wished you would respond.

 

 

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My heart breaks, unfolds and crumbles yet gently mends, softens and melts altogether with this song. I am broken yet whole, lost yet found, anxious yet at peace with myself in this strange but subtle moment of my life. Thank you God for this too shall pass

Six

I’ve sent you emails with no response, and I’m hoping you haven’t read them because I wish I could take the emails back.
I’m hopeless at this love thing.
But it’s been six months, and I need to move the hell on.
I keep telling people I’m fine – water under a bridge. But then there’s this sense that maybe I’m not. So I’ve come to the conclusion this has happened for a reason, right? I do believe in that. But hours later I’m looking at your Facebook and realise you’re already dating. Great. I’m really not okay.
You know that movie Good luck chuck? Well, I’m Chuck. I’m the girl you date before you find the girl you marry. I am not kidding you! Every one of my boyfriends is now married. If that’s not telling you something, I’m honestly not sure what to say. Anyway, here I am stalking away, I take a few screenshots and send to my girlfriends “He has already moved on, and it’s only been six months.”
“What a dick” they reply ” You can do better, she’s not even that pretty” god I think to my self, how petty have I become. And then it hits me. What the fuck am I doing?

I’m a 24-year-old single Mother, and I have never healed my broken heart right from my first heartbreak when I was just 18. It’s been six months. Yes six long, tedious months, I have every reason not to be okay. But will I ever move on? My minds going on all crazy benders, the what ifs, have I made the right choice, are you happy, the list goes on.
I guess I want you to be happy, but I wish your happiness were with me.
Anyway, I’m in this weird, uncomfortable stage where I can’t think straight, I’ve watched enough romance movies, and I’m scratching my head in my every choice in men. And I hate myself to dragging not only me now but my almost 3-year-old son through this bullshit again.
And of course he says your name, now you’re gone.

I’ve made a choice, yes a choice; more so a decision a very spontaneous what am I doing – who am I – why am I doing this – why – decision and in the midst of a cold winter night I have decided to take a trip overseas. To the US to be exact.

I know for sure you are not in California, but the feeling of being in the same country almost makes me feel at peace that doing something for myself will be good for me and maybe, just maybe I can finally let you go and let you be.

I suppose only time will tell right now because I have no plans.

letting_go_by_bandico-d5s1eyh

“Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can eventually let you go. ”