Dear you



It’s me… I suppose you are wondering why I am writing this to you and I hope you will stick this out with me and read until the end. I don’t know where it will end or if I will just go on and on, forgive me as you enter my roller coaster of emotions the past year. I figured I would write you a letter because for one I want to say so much to you, sometimes I feel that maybe what I must say is better left unsaid, but I know if I don’t say it now I will never be able to let go, and you too. I always feel myself coming back to you.

This is different. I have absolutely nothing to lose at this stage and I don’t expect you to reply, I hope you read it.  I am going to be nothing but honest, my true raw emotions and at the end I will probably wish I didn’t send this, it’s taken me so long to write it because each time I think what will it change, how will you take it, will you respond and truth be told I am scared for your response… nothing will change and I don’t expect it too. It’s been almost a year and I know what’s done is done. Do I wish it to be different, yes! Do I think of you every single day, yes! And does it scare the shit out of me to write this to you, yes yes yes!

Today, As I sit here writing this to you, you are thousands of miles away, a country away and it sucks. But this was never going to be easy, and staying away from you proves that. This is not getting any easier, I am truly struggling not having you apart of my life and I know that for the most I am to blame. I wish I could lie to you and say I’m okay, I wish I could let you heal and not speak to you and honestly this is so selfish of me and so unfair on you, but enough is enough I need you to know how I feel and however you take this is up to you.

I’m scared, of myself and who I have become. This self-healing thing is shit.
Honestly, I don’t know what I am doing. I have made changes to better myself but something is missing. I am stuck and I know you have felt the same way too, at times. I will never love anyone like you again, to be frank, I am not ready and I don’t want to try.. I have started dating as you are aware, but they all said, how can I love someone else when I love you, I’m trying, but I am not mentally ready and although it’s only been 2 months. It’s not you.

I took you for granted and I took our love for granted, what I had I no longer have and now I’m suffering the consequences every day. I can’t let go but right now I’m not sure if I want to let go because our love gave me hope that it was real, I know you know it was real. I wish happiness for you and myself too, and perhaps I will give myself a chance to fall in love again. But you will always be the one I let get away. You can only cry wolf so many times. Maybe it’s for the best, maybe not.
I’m Feeling all these emotions rush over me; it feels as if we’re breaking up all over again. It hurts, I want to see you one last time, or just hear your voice. I know you aren’t ready and I don’t want to ask such a thing. But, I miss you and I wish I could take it all back, I wouldn’t change anything, but I would kiss you a little longer, or hold you a minute longer, or maybe just let you know that I love you one too many times more. Saying goodbye to you on the 1st of April was so far, the hardest day I’ve had to deal with, and when the 1st of April came back around it felt so surreal, my heart sank… there are so many what ifs running in my mind but I would go through that experience once more just to see your face again.
We have shared so many fond memories, and bad but the good outweighs the bad and trust me, we had our bad like any couple, but we got through it and the memories I can’t bring myself to erase, photos, clothes… promises… promises that are now broken.  Nothing is perfect they say, but this were, we were.

You made me remember what love was, you helped me at a time where I couldn’t help myself and you made me trust again. There were so many tears from the both of us, happy tears because it was real, every second of loving you, was real, I am in awe of you and will be for a long time, You are the moon and I am the sun.

I’m truly sorry for walking away from you when you needed me the most, I lost myself and went back on everything I had once said. I am ashamed of myself.  Whilst I broke your heart, I broke mine trying to figure this all out. I lost myself in the last moments, I fucking lost myself and I didn’t put us first.
I know you have mixed emotions about everything still, you tried dating and maybe you are dating now. I don’t know, they say time is supposed to heal you right, I don’t know how I can fix this, I want to try.
I am going to hold on to that little bit of hope and that last bit of you, and I will wait for you.  I suppose for me, I need closure and seeing you would give me that. I don’t know how or where to go from here but it’s something that would help me and know if we still have a connection.

No one understands, others say just move on… let it be, sounds like a walk in the park. But it’s never the case, you are my soul mate. Even if we didn’t end up together, each little thing about our relationship proves that, and for that I am forever blessed and when I do think of you, although I am sad that it didn’t work out, I am happy to have called you mine. You were my family, I hope you think about what I have said and maybe one day, when you’re ready you may write back, maybe not.  I don’t know where to begin moving on and to be honest I don’t want to move on without you. I know I once made you happy, and I believe I can make you happy again, I would like to ask for a second chance, or maybe it’s too far gone, and I understand why but please find in your heart to forgive me for all that has been.

In exactly one month, it will be May 8th – Mate, a day one year ago that we ended possibly the best thing to have happened to us, non- the less I know for a fact we did cross paths at that bar, at the exact right time.